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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.